I avoid most things with the initials "VD"

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. Not even back when I was a little kid and all the other little kids called it "Valentimes Day" and we had to trade our stupid bits of pop culture propaganda. Three-by-two-inch pieces of card-stock. My Papa Smurf saying "You're a Smurfy Valentine!" for your Pac-Man belching out, "You power me up, valentine!"

As riddled with crass commercialism as most holidays are, few can even dream of reaching the heights of hedonistic opportunism enjoyed by this, the Hallmark holiday. Apparently, you dont love your loved one if you don't shower them with jewelry or flowers or a belt sander or something. Love is free, it seems... but the maintenance is expensive.

So look closely, friends, because you are in the presence of a gigantic hypocrite. I hate this holiday, but I'm going to participate anyway. Why? I'm married, and that means that no matter how much I'd rather spurn Vile-entines Day, if I don't participate, I'm in huge gobs of trouble, mister.